Losing A Spouse

11 April 2014

Hi! My name is Monica and I consider myself a professional blog reader (I just made that a real job!).  As a professional photographer, I spend a lot of time on Instagram and blogs.  My new blog is still in the construction stages, but will hopefully be finished soon. I’m honored to be able to share part of my journey with you. If you’ve traveled a similar journey, please link up at the bottom of this post.

Pit Stops, Pot Holes and Hysterical Markers - Road trips always provide adventure, twists and turns, unexpected events and precious memories.  My husband and I loved to take road trips.   There was always a sense of anticipation and excitement.  Restaurants to try, places to see and people to talk to - road trips were one of our favorite things. Metaphorically speaking, our marriage was a road trip, complete with pit stops, pot holes and hysterical markers.  Some pit stops were quick and we were back on the road, some were not so quick.  Some pot holes were huge and caused us to take a new direction, some, well, they weren’t so big.  Hysterical markers were what my husband’s family called “historical markers”.  There were lots of these throughout our marriage, some truly hysterical and some not so much. 
         
Back to pot holes, though.  The thing about pot holes is they’re not always visible ahead of time.  Those are the worst – they catch you by surprise and jar every part of your being.  One sunny July morning we came across the biggest pothole we’d ever hit.

The sun came up that morning, as it always did in west Texas.  Bright and hot filling every inch of the sky, melting everything its rays touched.  Cars hummed down the road, dogs barked, moms went to the grocery store, kids played outside.  In the field, cows came up to the fence line, eager to see what all the commotion was on the other side of the fence.

There were flowers everywhere and suits, lots of dark suits.  As I stood in a sea of people, their voices were muffled and I knew they were talking to me, but their words did not register. All I could see, wanted to see, needed to see, was the casket, my precious husband’s casket.  It sat on a silver metal frame above a gaping hole in the ground, the top of it was draped with flowers and the green astroturf carpet covered the ground around it.  At the end of the visitation the evening before, I’d stood, mesmerized, rubbing my hands over the top of this gray metal box, willing him to come out.  Willing him back to life.

I stood in that cemetery and all I could think about was hurling myself onto or even into the casket.  Everyone just needed to get out of my way and let me crawl in there with him!  I wanted to scream, the kind of scream comes from the depths of your soul and the bottom of your heart, filling the air and silencing the well wishers. That casket held my precious husband, my dreams of what our lives could be, should be and now, never would be.  That casket held my heart.

From the roses draping his casket, to the bright sun and the spotted cows peering through the barbwire fence in that west Texas country cemetery, the scenery from this pot hole was surreal.  Disbelief filled my very being.   The bargaining to not be in this pot hole began the moment his death became a reality.  Please God, pull a Lazarus.  Please God, please.

This pot hole jarred every bit of my heart and soul, broke them into pieces, and scattered them by the roadside.  This pot hole threatened to be my undoing.

Our marriage had hit several pot holes in recent years, but there was still the chance for a do-over, to do better, to be better, to put our lives back together and to have the marriage God wanted us to have, but this pot hole - this pot hole robbed us of that chance.  This pot hole was the final one we would ever hit.  Now I would have to continue this road trip, this journey by myself, with a twelve year old and a two year old at my side.

Never have I felt so empty, so alone, so tired, so scared, so shattered.   Never have I had to look at my sweet babies, like I did that day and many days afterward, and wonder how I was going to parent them without him.

In July of this year, it will be ten years since the day we buried him.  Ten very long years.  Ten very short years.  If you’ve ever lost a precious loved one, you know exactly what I mean.  The years fly by quickly, sometimes, too quickly, putting too much time and space between the last time you were together.  Other times, the pain is still fresh, as fresh as if it were happening now.

Tears are filling my eyes and escaping down my cheeks as I type, just thinking about and reliving that day and the ones afterwards.  The deep aching, the floods of tears, the shattered heart that seemed to be in too many pieces to ever be whole again.

Oh precious one, one who has lost a spouse (or a child or a parent or a loved one), you are not aloneThe Lord sees each of us and He hears each of us.

In Psalm 40:1-3, we are told, “I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and heard my cry.  He lifted me out of the huge, deep pot hole of loss, out it’s sliminess and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.  He put a new song in my mouth.”  (bold words are my paraphrase)

Psalm 34:18 reminds us that “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

The good news is that the Lord did lift me out of that pot hole!  He has put a new song in my mouth and He is doing a new thing in my heart and my life.  He made a way out of the pot hole, and put a stream in the desert of my heart (Isaiah 43:19).

Yes, there have been more pit stops, pot holes and even hysterical markers, but He has filled in the gaps every step of the way and provided in ways I can’t even describe.  He has slowly knit my heart back together and made me feel whole once again.  He continues to hold me in His hands. 

If He has done it and is continuing to do it for me, I know that He will do the same for you.

Do you have a story about losing a spouse? We would love for you to link it up below!




9 comments:

  1. Wow what a touching story. It is strange that I find your post this morning. Yesterday I had to attend a funeral of a friend that lost her spouse of 10 years and he was her everything. I have not lost my spouse but I have lost my daughter and my mother within 6 months of each other. I have written about the loss of my daughter but I don't think that I have ever written a post about my mothers death. I will have to write a post about that today. Thank you for your story and God Bless You. God does have a way of putting us back together when we aren't looking. www.trinaoneil.blogspot.com is my site and my daughters dedicated website is www.heatherjaggers.com. Even though I haven't worked on her much as of late it is still a bit about her.

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  2. Thank you for sharing your story. Your writing is beautiful and what applicable verses for all of us. We are currently grieving the loss of my 2.5 year old nephew who passed just two weeks ago - these verses are a great reminder that God brings us out of the pit!! Thanks

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  3. Beautifully written. Thanks for sharing.

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  4. You have a serious gift of writing, and this truly hits close to home for our family! My sister in law who is only 32, lost her husband after only 5 years of marriage, with a 2 year old and a 10 week old, he was on his very first long distance motorcycle trip to a biker rally in east Texas. Sometimes we just have no words to say to her to comfort her... your story is inspiring and I will be passing it along to her. Thank you for sharing!! xoxo

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  5. Lori @ Vintage By LoriApril 11, 2014 at 1:32 PM

    Thank you for sharing your story! Gosh, I can't even imagine losing my husband. I pray for you and your family. God bless y'all!


    xo Lori
    www.vintagebylori.com

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  6. How To Get Your husband Back & Avoid Divorce,Love Spells That Really Work Fast



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  7. hello everyone this really worked and i am proud to testify also. i saw a post on how a lady got her husband back and i decided to try this prophet that helped her because my relationship was crashing. although i never believed in spiritual work i reluctantly tried him because i was desperate but to my greatest surprise this prophet helped me and my relationship is now perfect just as he promised my husband now treats me like a queen even when he had told me before he doesn't love me anymore. well, i can not say much but if you are passing through difficulties in your relationship try him here is his email prophet.briancarn@yahoo.com of a truth he really helps again his email his prophet.briancarn@yahoo.com

    ReplyDelete
  8. hello everyone this really worked and i am proud to testify also. i saw a post on how a lady got her husband back and i decided to try this prophet that helped her because my relationship was crashing. although i never believed in spiritual work i reluctantly tried him because i was desperate but to my greatest surprise this prophet helped me and my relationship is now perfect just as he promised my husband now treats me like a queen even when he had told me before he doesn't love me anymore. well, i can not say much but if you are passing through difficulties in your relationship try him here is his email prophet.briancarn@yahoo.com of a truth he really helps again his email his prophet.briancarn@yahoo.com

    ReplyDelete
  9. My name is Angelia am from USA. i want to use this opportunity to thank my great doctor who really made my life a pleasurable one today. This great man DR.Abu Fatima brought my husband back to me, i had three lovely kids for my husband, about four years ago i and my husband has been into one quarrel or the other until he finally left me for one lady. i felt my life was over and my kids thought they would never see their father again. i tried to be strong just for the kids but i could not control the pains that torments my heart, my heart was filled with sorrows and pains because i was really in love with my husband. Every day and night i think of him and always wish he would come back to me, until one day i met a good friend of mine that was also in a situation like me but her problem was her ex-boyfriend who she had an unwanted pregnancy for and he refused to take responsibility and dumped her. she told me that mine was a small case and that i should not worry about it at all, so i asked her what was the solution to my problems and she gave me this great man email address. i was doubting if this man was the solution, so i contacted this great man and he told me what to do and i deed them all, he told me to wait for just two day and that my husband will come crawling on his kneels just for forgiveness so i faithfully deed what this great man asked me to do and for sure after two days i heard a knock on the door,email abufatima77powerspellcaster @ gmail.com in a great surprise i saw him on his kneels and i was speechless, when he saw me, all he did was crying and asking me for forgiveness, from that day, all the pains and sorrows in my heart flew away,since then i and my husband and our lovely kids are happy.that’s why i want to say a big thank you to DR.Abu Fatima spiritual temple. This great man made me to understand that there is no problem on earth that has no solution so please if you know that you have this same problem or any problem that is similar, i will advise you to come straight to this great man. you can email him at:abufatima77powerspellcaster@gmail.com

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