My Journey Through Infertility

06 June 2014

Hey lovelies!! I am Charity and I blog over at The Word of A Nerd. On my blog I talk about my favorite things - food, faith, and marriage. I am so glad to be sharing here in Kaitlyn's space. I started following her shortly after starting my own blog one year ago. I've loved watching her grow in her faith and marriage - all while transitioning into motherhood. I am here today to share the toughest thing I have had to face to date.

My husband and I were married in July of 2005. I was 18 and he was 24, we were married exactly one month after I graduated high school. To say that we were in love was an understatement. We were soulmates, first loves and there was no turning back. I totally believe that God put us together because he knew the path that we were destined to take. My husband and I moved into our own apartment and I went away to finish my last two years of college - I was in an accelerated program. It was hard being separated but absence truly made our hearts grow fonder.We talked on the phone several times a day and when it was time to hang up neither of us wanted to be the first to end the call. On one of our last phone calls before my college graduation my husband told me that he was ready to start a family. He asked if I felt the same way too. I had been thinking about it for a while but wanted to get my degree out of the way first, so I said yes. We had decided to start trying for a baby as soon as we were back in the same town.

In the beginning we just had fun with it and threw caution to the wind. We told no one about our plans because they all thought that I was far to young - including my own mom. As the months went on I started to get a little nervous because nothing was happening. I kept getting negative test, I never missed a menstrual cycle. I talked to my OB who told me it would be a year before I could see a specialist but she would run test to make sure everything was okay. We had our preconception testing done and everything looked fine. She gave us the go ahead and told me to try for 3 more months and if nothing happen to come back and she would send me to a Reproductive Endocrinologist aka a Fertility Doctor. The three months came and went and still nothing. We were referred to the RE who did extensive testing but complained that I was too young to treat at this time I was barely 21. My RE told me to track my cycles and use ovulation kits for a little longer and then he would treat me if we did not conceive. At this point we had been trying to get pregnant for over a year and we hadn't used birth control for the duration of our marriage - yet still I was not pregnant!


I knew that something wasn't right - my whole family was super fertile and no one had problems conceiving. I started to feel alone, I felt like the world was against us because no one would help me. After trying to conceive for 18 months my RE finally agreed to give me clomid to super ovulate me. I ovulated on my own but he felt that if I released two eggs I would have a better chance of conceiving. I took the clomid five days after my menstrual cycle started. I was super excited, I just knew that this would be the answer. I knew that this would make me pregnant. I took the pill and shortly after I had the hot flashes and sweats that some of the women talked about. The more of the medicine I took the more symptoms I began to feel. By the last pill I was a raging crazy woman - I would yell at my husband and then burst into tears. I never had a sex drive - but I forced myself into the mood in hopes that we would get a baby out of it. Seventeen days after taking the last pill my menstrual cycle showed up. I was not pregnant! I was hurt, I cried for the whole day curled up on the couch - I don't think I've ever cried that much since. That cry was the death of my hope. I proceeded with more treatments as an empty shell. We did that four more times before my RE decided to move on to IUIs.

I was so broken down in spirit, I had no hope that the IUIs would work. By the time we got around to paying for IUIs and thousand dollar medicines, my husband and I had been married for 4 years and it was 2009. We were in a really bad place together, the only time we made love was when I figured I was ovulating. I was depressed, I had insomnia and would stay away for 1-2 days before crashing into a deep sleep. To top it off, I had recently been diagnosed with OCD. People throw that term around quite often, but when you are diagnosed with it and living it daily, it can be taxing. I've always been somewhat obsessive about life, but dealing with Infertility exacerbated my symptoms because I had no control. To regain control I would count my steps, vacuum the carpet to have perfectly even lines, I would mop in a particular rhythm and I cleaned so much that I made myself sick. If I left the house, I would go back several times to check the stove if I had cooked that day. I organized our home like nobodies business. If my husband left anything out of place I would bite his head off. We fought a lot and I was so stressed about not getting pregnant that my hair began to fall out.


My doctors said that nothing was wrong with my husband and I. Our infertility was unexplained. He believed that we were a text book perfect couple. He even went far enough to say that my husband had super sperm. If his sperm were so super, why weren't they getting me pregnant? Before starting our first IUI, I came out of the infertility closet and let my mom know what we had been going through. She felt horrible for all the comments she made about not wanting to be a grandmother just yet. She helped my husband and I to get the medicines we needed for our IUI's. An IUI meant that they would medicate me to ovulate and right before ovulation they would get a sample of my husbands sperm to inject into my uterus. The one thing people don't tell you about infertility is that it is painful and very expensive. We know babies are expensive too, but nobody is asking you for 20K up front the minute you have a kid.

On the day of my first IUI my husband, mom and I got to the clinic two hours early. We wanted to make sure that we didn't miss my ovulation. The drugs I was taking produced four mature follicles meaning that there were four potential eggs to be released from my ovaries. That also meant that my husband and I could be the parents of quadruplets if we did conceive. We were ready to take the risk. The night before, I felt pain in my side indicating that I would be ovulating, my doctor told me that he had timed it just right. But I knew my body and I knew I was ovulating. So when they checked my ovaries via vaginal ultrasound that morning no follicles could be found. We missed the ovulation so the whole cycle was a bust. I was so upset I cried all the way home. It was as if I had done all that for nothing. Why was everyone getting pregnant so easily, meanwhile I was struggling to do what was supposed to come naturally? My husband tried again to console me and I wanted nothing to do with him. Since they had said his sperm was super I felt the problem was with me. I rejected my husband because I felt I was holding him back from his dream of being a father. I felt guilty for our infertility issues. He told me time and time again how much he loved me and how we would live a beautiful life together even if we could not have children. All the while I knew that our marriage would not last if I could not become a mother.


After more than 45 stomach injections, 20 plus blood draws, 20 plus doctor visits, 4 IUIs, nearly 10k dollars, 4 semen samples, and 60lbs of weight gain - we had zero pregnancies. I was devastated, stuck, depressed, disappointed - I felt worthless, inadequate, hopeless, and angry. Here I was going about life the "right" way with a husband and a home, but here was no baby. My doctor urged us to try IVF, but we didn't have 25k just laying around in our house. We had spent so much of our savings on IUIs hoping and praying they would work. I had enough and decided to take a break. I was not in a good place mentally or physically. Our break from baby making was indefinite - I needed to work on me. I felt so unloved and far from God. I felt so broken, so unnecessary to life. I stopped looking for God because I was angry with him, but He found me. He brought me to women who would speak life to me - he brought me to women who shared my struggle. I didn't know there were so many of us out there.

It was in 2010 that I rediscovered my faith and trusted God to heal my marriage. I realized that my marriage was for my husband and I, not just for children. I needed to clear up some things that were going on in my heart so I began working on them. I worked hard at being my own boss and did whatever it took to keep my mind off having a baby. It wasn't until 2012 that I realized all that I had been going through was to bring me to God. This trial that I was experiencing was to bring Him the glory for my life. I had put my faith in my husband, doctors, and family - none of them could validate my reason for life. In 2012 God put it on my spirit to take care of myself to lose the weight and to take back the reigns of my marriage. To this day my husband and I have not conceived our first child, yet we have more hope than ever before. Our marriage which was quite rocky the first 3-4 years had grown strong. We will be married for 9 years in July. We still have plans to pursue further treatment but we are relying on God's timing to bring us to our precious baby. Sometimes it still hurts - but God always soothes my heart and restores my joy.


I know this isn't a happily every after but this is our story. Our journey continues and we have found hope, joy, faith, and love in Christ - Infertility will not beat us down.

***UPDATE: I am so happy to share that on April 26, 2014, Charity announced that her and her husband are expecting twins! She originally sent this post in January, so I was so overjoyed to see how everything worked out over the past few months (:


If you have a story or post about infertility we would love for you to share it below in the comments!




17 comments:

  1. Ashley Ponder RichardsJune 6, 2014 at 7:41 AM

    What a powerful story! I'm so happy you included the update-just warms my heart to see the power of God.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I LOVE that Charity is on here!!!!! Thank you Charity for sharing your story - I learned some more things I didn't even know about you girl!!! Love you and glad you are willing to share your testimony for God's kingdom. So excited about your little ones!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Beautiful story!! Very inspiring! We go throughso much as infertile couples, I'm so elated for you and your husband that you were able to reconcile your marriage and make those twinks!! Congrats!!!

    www.babyridleybump.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thank you so much for sharing. I am going through the same thing right now. Infertility sucks and I don't understand how so many can get pregnant easily and then some struggle. We have been trying for 11 months now. I know it isn't a long time for some, but it is getting frustrating. My husband and I are a little older (30 and 36), so our doctor agreed to see us before the year mark. I have been diagnosed with PCOS which is an added struggle, but I don't fit the PCOS terms. I am thin, no extra hair, no brown markings, no acne, etc. But I do have some cysts on my ovaries. So we started that treatment. And now we are starting the IUIs this month. I am hopeful and know that it can happen (as evidenced by Charity). I thank you for sharing your story with us, and can't wait to follow your journey even more.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Thank you for sharing this! We too struggle with infertility issues and I actually started my blog (ourprojectmakeababy.blogspot.com) after our diagnosis. We had to jump immediately to IVF and were incredibly blessed to get pregnant during our first IVF treatment. Our son is truly a miracle that I thank God (and science) for every day. But, the stress, worry, cost, and stigma attached to infertility are very real and very difficult. It is so very important to talk about it and not make women (and men) suffer alone. Thank you for bringing awareness to this.

    ReplyDelete
  6. So well written! God is so amazing how He works on our hearts! I had no hope of conceiving a child outside of an egg donor. My tests results were not good at all to say the least. My husbands tests were perfect! Without going into all of it, I came to a point where I was just like, well if we are not suppose to have a baby, I'll just look forward to vacation and being an "auntie" to my friend's children. I was scared that I was thinking that but that's where I was. Unbeknownst to me my husband was at that point to but this time he was thinking more about adoption, something that he turned his nose up at before. I think we both came to a point of being, "whatever Your plan is Lord." The day after I saw my friend give birth to her and her husband's second son, in April, the same month I found out I was pregnant last year and lost the baby the next month, I took a pregnancy test and it came out positive!!!!! April 10th, Surprise surprise (that is for a blog post to be revealed soon).
    Congratulations to you and your husband! I know your hearts are filled with so much joy!!God is so good!!!

    ReplyDelete
  7. I love that you featured Charity's story! I'm going through infertility too, and have been through 4 failed IUIs and 2 failed IVFs. Her story gives me hope!

    ReplyDelete
  8. I can't imagine how it would feel to have infertility problems as I have three daughters and had not problem falling pregnant, so I found this a powerful and moving story

    ReplyDelete
  9. So thrilled for Charity! Glad she shared her story here!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Every time I read Charity's story I'm reminded again about God's faithfulness. Thanks for sharing with us Charity! :)

    ReplyDelete
  11. Ashley Bree PerezJune 8, 2014 at 10:46 AM

    Thank you for sharing your story!

    ReplyDelete
  12. This is a daily struggle for me. I have found comfort in the blogging world that I am not alone but it still doesn't take away the sting. I have shared a lot about our IF journey on my blog as well as our four miscarriages. We adopted a beautiful girl who is the joy of our lives but still desire a bio baby.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Such a wonderful story! So happy for Charity's happy ending!! Thank you for sharing :)

    ReplyDelete
  14. Thank you so much for your courage in sharing your story!! Justine

    ReplyDelete
  15. This was a great gift to find on my reader, coming home from work on Friday. Saved it until I was above ground, and finally found my way back to comment. I love the part where you said that your marriage wasn't for children but for you and your husband. So true, if we never get to have children we will always have our husbands.

    We had no idea we'd have trouble in having a baby, since we'd conceived easily both times. But ultimately it's brought us closer together and to God. It's all in His hands anyway, we're just along for the ride:)
    http://farinvazquez.blogspot.com/2014/02/why-did-i-miscarry-blood-results.html

    ReplyDelete
  16. Good share the whole In Vitro Fertilization Cost story and the main hurdles behind the whole procedures.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Love you Charity! I'm so glad you were able to share your story and your family is in my prayers :-)
    xoxo

    ReplyDelete

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.

Proudly designed by Mlekoshi playground
09 10